Santorum Proposes Border Fences Around Nation's Ladyparts
OKLAHOMA CITY, OKLAHOMA–Republican candidate for President Rick Santorum announced at a recent campaign stop that, if elected, he planned to “erect border fences around this great nation’s ladyparts”...
View ArticleGovernor Scott Walker Vows He Won’t Let Recall Stop Him From Bankrupting...
MADISON, WISCONSIN—Wisconsin’s embattled Governor, Scott Walker, vowed Friday not to let the successful recall drive against him hinder his fight to “bring this great State of ours to the edge of...
View ArticleSantorum Campaign Works Feverishly To Develop ‘Romney’ Sexual Neologism
CONCORD, NEW HAMPSHIRE—Officials from Rick Santorum’s presidential campaign confirmed over the weekend that the candidate had instructed them to quickly develop a new, preferably disgusting, sexual...
View ArticleFlush With Oil From Alberta, Canada Prepares For Inevitable U.S. Invasion
Cross Posted at: The Smew, Canada's Premier News SourceOTTAWA, ON—It’s a subject the Canadian military high command doesn’t like to discuss, but one that’s taken on an increasing sense of urgency since...
View ArticleWhat To Do If A Republican Senator Wants To Discuss Greco-Roman Wrestling At...
I-90 REST STOP, HIGHWAY 17 OUTSIDE Ft. WAYNE—It’s every motorist’s nightmare: you’ve just stopped to take a pee at a highway rest stop between Toledo and Chicago when, as soon as you have your “Mr....
View ArticleGreece Reaffirms Commitment To The Gyro
Cross posted at The Smew, Canada's Pre-eminent News SourceATHENS, GREECE—Greek Prime Minister Lucas Papademos reaffirmed late last night Greece’s total commitment to the gyro despite growing economic...
View ArticleGrammar Nazi Turns Out To Be Actual Nazi
Cross-posted at The SmewREGINA, SK—Dr. Heinrich Haussmann, 94, became famous in his later years for being the curmudgeonly creator of the wildly popular grammar column “Sieg Semicolon, Heil Hyphen!”...
View ArticleLocal Politician Has Sexual Appetite Of National Politician
Cross-posted at The SmewWICHITA, KANSAS—Keith Danley, 36, a Wichita city councilman, has a bright political future ahead of him if his sexual proclivities are any indication.Danley was elected to the...
View ArticleAmericans Beg For Pipeline Carrying Canadian Healthcare
Cross-posted at The SmewDETROIT, MI—The U.S. supporters of a controversial Canadian–American pipeline have become increasingly vocal this week.The proposed pipeline would carry much-needed Canadian...
View ArticleU.S. Invades Iran for Sweeps Ratings Boost
Cross Posted at The SmewWASHINGTON, DC—President Obama signed a declaration of war against Iran today, citing the Middle Eastern nation’s budding nuclear program and increasingly antagonistic rhetoric,...
View ArticleNew “Muslim Barbie” Restricted To Back Seat Of The Barbie Glam Convertible
RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—The prominent Saudi cleric, Abdullah Al-Shihiri, has issued a fatwa, or religious edict, governing Mattel’s recently released “Muslim Barbie” that restricts the popular children’s...
View ArticleBible Unclear On Which Toothbrush To Buy
Many Christians believe that the Bible is the divine word of God and that it contains the answers to all of life’s questions. However, on certain vital issues—such as choosing a toothbrush—there is...
View ArticleClimate Models Predict Canada Inhabitable By 2050
ARCTIC STATION, TORONTO—Scientists at this bleak arctic weather station far to the north of the United States announced last week that thanks to global warming, they believe that by 2050 the vast,...
View ArticleHusband Can Explain Lewd Google Search History
Cross posted at: The SmewSALT LAKE CITY, UTAH—Local husband and father of two, Richard Poitras, 42, announced today that there is a perfectly logical explanation for the long list of raunchy Google...
View ArticleMichele Bachmann Revealed To Be Elaborate Joaquin Phoenix Performance Piece
HOLLYWOOD, CA—After months of cryptic, vaguely threatening quotes and semi-crazed public appearances, Joaquin Phoenix revealed in a press conference today that Michele Bachmann was simply an elaborate...
View Article“Anonymous” Attack Leaves Facebook Privacy Controls "Simple", "Private"
MENLO PARK, CA—The Internet hacking collective known as “Anonymous,” responsible for multiple past attacks on such prominent targets as Visa and the Church of Scientology, announced today that their...
View ArticleDirectionless Apple Releases iCrockpot For Beta Testing
CUPERTINO, CA—Apple’s newest product, the iCrockpot, will be available in late March to limited stores in Minnesota, Wisconsin, and Alberta, for beta testing. CEO Tim Cook announced the new release to...
View ArticleFor Some, New Google Brain Implants Raise Privacy Concerns
WATERLOO,ON—A few consumers are questioning whether Google’s hugely popular brain implants should raise concerns about personal privacy.Marcia Reynolds, a product analyst for the Consumer Interest...
View ArticlePope Approves Condom Use For Protestants
VATICAN CITY, ROME—Pope Benedict XVI announced today that the Roman Catholic Church will allow condom use for Protestants. The announcement is the second significant policy change on the issue of birth...
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